Hacker News Books

Without doubt I would start with:

'No more Mr. nice guy' -- Robert Glover

Robert Glover - No More Mr. Nice Guy

This strikes me quite a bit as stuff mentioned in the "No More Mr Nice Guy" book. Im not sure how to word it softer. What would you have done?

I really enjoyed "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Glover, it does a really good job of covering this very topic and providing the reader with a plan for how to fix the situation.

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover. Raised as a peaceful kid whose introversion taught me to try to control my world and keep things to myself, I am now more aware of how much healthier it is to set boundaries and just let the world run its own course. Immensely happier!

The book that I should have read (and re-read) earlier:

No more Mr. Nice Guy -- Robert Glover

Reading "No more Mr. Nice Guy" was like someone peering into my brain and describing it. I'm cautious in taking the psychological explanations for granted, but the behaviors themselves were scarily accurate.

I would second this. I read most of "No More Mr Nice Guy", and while I found it helpful in some ways it also was just not as "clean" in my opinion as "Boundaries" by Anne Katherine.

The books contents sound similar to the one from "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover, a book which has recommended couple of times on HN.

If a "life-shattering crisis that completely wrecked my world view" means a breakup definitely read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" from Robert Glover.

Two books that have been useful to me are "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "When I Say No I Feel Guilty".

Robert Glover - No More Mr. Nice Guy. It's the best book I know on men's psychological health.

Read the sidebar at /r/marriedredpill/. I think you would benefit from reading No More Mr Nice Guy, and When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. Don't be turned off by the red pill language.

The best books I ever read to challenge those worries was:

- The subtle art of not giving a F*

- The rational Male

- No more mr. nice guy

I've read No More Mr Nice Guy and helped me big time with my emotional development as well.

I read "No more Mr. Nice Guy" a few years ago and it completely changed my perspective on personal relationships, made me realise my own behaviour was part of the reason for my failed relationships in the past. I highly recommend reading it if you are interested in self-improvement.

Book recommendations in that respect:

- "No more Mr. Nice Guy" Robert A. Glover: A great book on identification and elimination of nice guy behaviors with lots of exercises.

- "When I say no I feel guilty" Manuel J. Smith: Techniques with lots of examples on how to stay assertive and deal with attempts to manipulate you into doing something. Relevant for dealing with colleagues, spouses, shop clerks, ...

There are others but those two books will get you very far if you take this seriously.

"48 Laws of Power" and "No More Mr Nice Guy".

Laws of Power: Not for everyone but the book is damn useful if you're ambitious and can translate examples and vague concepts into your own situations in life.

No More Mr Nice Guy: Not very far into it but it's almost cathartic if it applies to you and I feel like its a huge step in social/emotional development for me.

I just read No More Mr Nice Guy[1] and recommend it. I rarely agree 100% with everything in a book, and 90% of this book was spot-on for me. I'll try to summarize some of the advice from the book.

* "Nice Guys" are pushovers because they weigh every action by what would make their lives the most conflict free. Instead, do what you think is best, even if it's scary.

* "Nice Guys" seek the approval of everyone around them, especially women, for every action they take. Instead, do what you think is best, even if it's scary.

* "Nice Guys" often hide the truth (of what they think, feel or have done) in order to avoid conflict. Instead, be honest, even if it's scary.

* You, and nobody else, are responsible for meeting your needs.

* It is healthy and OK to put your own needs first.

* It is OK to ask people for help meeting your needs.

* It is OK to set firm boundaries and tell people "no", and it in fact garners respect, even if people fight it initially.

* We live in a world of abundance, and there is no need to be controlling and manipulative to try to keep what you already have.

[1]: http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438C...

"The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck"

The free sample is enough to get the core message: the Konmari method can also apply to obligations, not just objects. It's not a fascinating book, just an interesting concept. Most of the book covers the exceptions and caveats of its own technique, a rare approach in this genre. Its premise is similar to Mark Manson's "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck", but without the aggressive self-help bro tone.

"No More Mr. Nice Guy"

This book is for nice guys who never get what they want. The answer isn't "be a selfish asshole for once", but "if you want something, ask for it" and "don't expect unsolicited generosity to be rewarded in specific ways". This book is a healthy fix to an unhealthy behaviour.

"Influence: Science and Practice"

The gang of four made a book about programming design patterns. Cialdini made a book about influence design patterns. It's easy to read, and full of examples.

Hehe, read that one too, even before No more Mr. Nice guy.

It's one of those that's hard to grasp, more of a lifetime read, when you gather more and more experiences, so that the suggestions make more sense.

Those two books, "Models" by Mark Manson and "Slight edge" by Jeff Olson probably changed my life the most.

Focus on your happiness mate and rest will fall together.

Suddenly you will become desirable once you do that and get rid of bad habits like needy behavior.

I would suggest focus on health as well and do some lifting and read the book "No more Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover and look for references on the web.

No More Mr Nice Guy. Dr Glover. I met this book thinking it was a self help book related to the the downsides to seeking approval in our personal lives, but I was surprised by the positive impact on my work also. I became a more assertive manager, stopped seeking approval in various 'David Brent'ish ways, and ultimately become a better manager.

There's a lot of different ones of course... off the top of my head: No more Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover.

I also like Personal development for smart people by Steve Pavlina.

Tom Butler-Bowdon has a series of books that summarize all the major works in psychology/self help/prosperity/success/etc. Those are a good way to get up to speed and learn what's out there in the genre.

Read and practice No More Mr. Nice Guy. That book was a true eye opener. Get into a weight lifting program (with a coach, NOT by yourself), it feels great and it gives you a long term goal outside the dev bubble.

> When I'm in a relationship I feel insecure that she really likes me.

You shouldn't feel that way if she already chose you.

It seems like communication is missing in both cases. It is easy to try to guess the other’s person motivations, but it’s actually hard to be 100% correct, and even if we’re 100% correct, who says our motivation is more valid than the other’s person? sure sometimes our motivation is objectively better, but the other person won’t agree without communication.

Probably after reading “No More Mr Nice Guy” everyone should read “How to Win Friends and Influence People”

"low status" Men who value other's opinions of them over voicing their real feelings.

How many comments in this thread asked the OP "what projects have you worked on", "what have you contributed as a woman?".

Why? Because the larger issue isn't woman. It's "Nice guy" syndrome. Deferring to woman, being "pc", repressing opinions. The book No More Mr. Nice Guy (http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339) is a great read on this.

As for the OP. I don't care about your gender or race. I want to know what you code. I want you to be great. But will not enable my fellow men nor you to be weak prima donnas.

We have a destiny. We owe it to our children not to show such weakness.

Build self-confidence before worrying about women. Get used to making strong eye contact. Learn to smile at every opportunity. Read some self-help books like No More Mr. Nice Guy and Models by Mark Manson. Definitely take up some hobbies that are outside of your comfort zone (something that doesn't involve fixing syntax errors!). Do dance classes make you cringe? Great, you should sign up for that immediately. Watch Yes Man, the movie. Go to the gym and start lifting. Practice meditating everyday for just 8 minutes. Look up rejection therapy, it's an app that gives you a challenge everyday to get rejected. Rejection is good, you'll learn to just accept it and realize that it's not a big deal after all which will allow you to overcome your fears, loosen up, not give a fuck, and live your life on your own terms. You don't have to do all these things at once. Pursue them one by one and I promise you that amazing things will happen to you.

You're asian, so am I. It's very likely that you were raised by parents who only cared about our academics and accomplishments. Unfortunately, we were never taught how to be in touch with our emotions and sexuality. You will never be truly happy until you learn to become comfortable with expressing yourself freely. So with that said, you need to get used to getting out of your head and not try to overthink everything. As nerds, geeks, and hackers, our strongest trait is our ability to analyze things on a very intricate level. But this is bad when it comes to relationships because connecting with another human being is none of that, especially with women, who are very much emotional creatures by design. It's great that you are speaking out about this issue, not many can. Never be afraid to show vulnerability. Good luck on your journey and please keep us updated!

Practical skills are easily acquired. Personal skills and greater self-awareness are what really fast-track you.

1) Scott Adams 'How to fail at almost everything' for life strategy.

2) Robert Glover's 'No more Mr Nice Guy' for assertiveness and being your authentic self no matter what.

3) As cliche as it is, 'The Power of Now' is a great source to return to in times of personal and professional woes.

Good luck and Godspeed in your career(s).

There is an good book on this called No More Mr Nice Guy. It talks about how certain psychological traits cause people (usually men) to start make invisible contracts with other people. This is usually because of a lack of assertiveness and a certain “fear” of being made fun of for asking for something

The remedy is to go through assertiveness training, which the book covers. Another great book called When I say No I feel Guilty goes more in depth on this too

@TheCapeGreek -- I saw this comment a few days ago, I bough the book you recommended `Robert Glover - No More Mr. Nice Guy` and I read it in a day. I will be replaying it again and again and working hard to apply principles from it. I just wanted to thank you! The recommendation in your comment is changing somebody's life (mine). Thank you.

>> The PUA and red pill communities have absolutely poisoned this space

I think the PUA has poisoned the space. TRP concepts I find quite good taken as a whole, but a lot of guys are focused on the wrong things for the wrong reasons. At its core, TRP says to put yourself together and everything else will follow, but the everything else is NOT suppose to be your goal. Some of the ideas there like AWALT are toxic when taken literally (as many do) but the point is that as human animals everyone has the potential to be or do certain things. Same for many of the other tenets of it. As one guy said, TRP is a map but not the territory.

But I agree a lot of folks miss the big picture of TRP and get lost. Much like reading NMMNG sometimes produces narcissistic a-holes instead of better people.

Thanks for the feedback!

Ah ok, in that case yes we do hope to expand into those areas you mentioned. Our overall goal with Metamorfus is to become a really good resource on getting better at socializing, regardless of your background or goals. We definitely recognize a website can only do so much and people will respond differently.

We are still building the core of the site and bootstrapping. But we hope to eventually team up with therapists and relationship/communication experts to help provide content and guidance for people. So if you decide to take on a "go to a party" challenge, we hope to also provide tips, advice, and steps you can take to help make going to a party more successful, and cater that advice to your needs and skill level. One member of the team is a therapist who specializes in anxiety, and so we already have a good start on that.

I think the PUA gets a bad rap. Yes it has its problems, but at its core it always felt like a positive thing to me. I don't mind getting compared to it. We will definitely strive to keep metamorfus gender neutral and not make anyone feel uncomfortable though.

Honey badger is the "don't give a f movement" (http://www.reddit.com/r/howtonotgiveafuck/), their overall goal is to flat out not care about anything at all. Which has its pros and cons, of course. But so far metamorfus has responded well with that community, many of metamorfus's current members joined from htngaf communities. And No More Mr Nice Guy is this book -- http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339 -- there are in person communities around the country that follow the book, and the book itself contains many challenges and exercises, so a Metamorfus-type site could potentially become an online NMMNG community.

and btw, if you come back to the site you should find it much faster now. It was embarrassing how slow it was, we found and fixed the bottleneck :)

HN and tech spheres can tend to have more people (especially male) who struggle with socialising with others and romance on top of every other part of the human condition. To that end, I recommend (in order):

Robert Glover - No More Mr. Nice Guy
Mark Manson - The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck
Mark Manson - Models

For those looking into reading into masculinity (to understand yourself or other masculine people:

David Deida - The Way of the Superior Man
Moore & Gillette - King, Warrior, Magician, Lover
Zan Perrion- The Alabaster Girl

Disclaimer: Some of these books I recommend are not going to be based on much research and science, or delve into more abstract forms of thought and draw inspiration from other sources (e.g. Eastern). Nevertheless I believe they are useful frameworks of thought that can provide value, and it's good to engage more "mythical" ideas at times.

I am an introvert male and one book that really helped me be assertive, certain, spontaneous, and happy in the social arena is "No more Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. Highly recommended!

http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

I have the audiobook version and it's one of few audiobooks that I've listened to more than once.

I also have a mindmap of the book if anyone wants it.

I disagree, I think it is a human tendency because it is often the path of least resistance (short term, but long term can accumulate and be not worth the alternative).

So while culturally it might have higher numbers in women, the numbers in men are high enough to sell books like "No More Mr. Nice Guy.". Good book by the way.

It's detailed further in No More Mr. Nice Guy, but I will explain it.

I specifically hate those who give to get. And when they give and don't get, they become passive-aggressive.

If I have low self-esteem, here is how I might behave. For the purposes of this example, I am Jack and the other person is Elizabeth.

1. I want care and attention from Elizabeth.

2. I give care and attention to her, hoping I will get them back.

3. When she doesn't give me care and attention I "deserve", I become passive-aggressive towards her.

Some people believe giving is the prerequisite to acceptance. They think they are not good enough. So in step 2, Jack sets an invisible contract with Elizabeth, without her knowing. He will give, give, give, and one day he will freak out.

Elizabeth has no idea why.

As a christian, I found parts of No More Mr. Nice Guy a bit less worthy, but I can highly recommend the book as a whole if you find yourself unbalanced.

The author isn't recommending anybody to be a jerk, but his admonitions to being more forthright, up-front, and a bit less scheming will help people find balance. And in consequence actually treating people with respect rather than project a somewhat false "nice-guy" facade.

Good reading to become a mature (ie not just childish) anti-authoritarian: "Prometheus Rising" by Robert Anton Wilson and "No more Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. I would also throw in "King, Warrior, Magician, Lover" by Robert Moore, and maybe an occasional dose of LessWrong.com (helps to know of cognitive bias pitfalls if one wants to dance to one's own tune). Rand, Aurelius, Thoreau, Emerson and Nietzsche might be cool too, for the philosophically inclined (what they all have in common is the belief in defining your own values, not just following others blindly).

Of course, the way I see it, being anti-authoritarian is just a corollary effect of being a mature, competent, self-validated man who is following his own purpose in life. Of course such a man is going to have trouble with those who want to foist their value-systems on him through threats, psychological manipulation, or subterfuge.