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I have. Her stuff is pretty great, though I found Mating in Captivity a bit lacking on solutions to some of the cases she presented and also lacking a sort of overarching theory. But that’s just because how my brain operates: show a theory, then show examples of it being applied. Overall I found it super helpful to dissect certain types of relationships I’ve had and how to make existing ones a lot healthier.

For a counter theory, try reading Sex at Dawn. It's far from perfect. The authors accuse "the establishment" of picking and choosing evidence to show that men stray to spread their genetic material, while women are glorified prostitutes: seeking shelter, food, and security from men, while trying to obtain superior genetic material by cheating. They then turn around and pick and choose their own evidence to support the theory that humans aren't and were never genetically monogamous, and that we stray because we are trying to force monogamy as a fundamental human condition. Nevertheless, the evidence they do present is compelling enough to show that monogamy isn't fundamental to humans or our closest relatives.

For an even better read, try Mating in Captivity which talks about sex and intimacy from the point of view of examining couples whose sex life has died away. This is better place to start if you want to understand cheating.

Mating in Captivity - Esther Perel

She takes a post-modern stance on creating relationships that work rather than just following society’s prescribed path.

Sex at Dawn basically boils down to this: when humans evolved to be what we essentially are right now, we were polyamorous and sexually promiscuous. Everyone had sex with everyone all the time because tribe mentality was not what we picture it to be today (strong had all the things, weak had to look to the strong for food, shelter, and protection; in exchange they offered sex). The authors claim that this shift happened much later, about 10k years ago when we switched to predominantly agricultural societies. They offer evidence in the form of Bonobos, who are as related to humans as chimps but are much more promiscuous and less territorial and violent, and in the fact that we have big penises with lots of sperm, meaning evolutionary selection happens primarily through sperm competition, not through sexual partner selection (e.g.: females have sex with lots of males, but only one sperm survives.) There, that's basically the whole book. There are interesting tangential things in the book if you are a factoid junkie, but this is the main argument.

Mating in Captivity is much much harder to summarize like this, and is a better book. It talks about a whole lot of different situations and solutions that did and didn't work for specific couples as their sex life started to dwindle. It touches on non-monogamy, but also proposes other solutions to the problem of decreased sex in long term relationships. If you are choosing between the two, do this one.

I really like Wait Buy Why's take on "How to Pick a Life Partner":

- https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner.html

- https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner-part-2.html

And the follow-up of sorts, "The Marriage Decision: Everything Forever or Nothing Ever Again"

- https://waitbutwhy.com/2016/09/marriage-decision.html

I think it takes a super pragmatic (maybe to the point of being un-romantic) approach to dating and finding a partner, including many "litmus tests" of sorts. I know at least one person who has written a "relationship design document" (classic PM move) outlining what matters to them in a relationship, citing sources like this as well as lived experience.

I also enjoyed reading Esther Perel's "Mating in Captivity": https://amzn.to/3lho4gP, which discusses the tension between eroticism and stability (what it takes to get into a relationship vs what it takes to stay in a relationship).

I do agree with the premise that "humans are flawed and you'll be accepting that both you and your partner are human" as well as "you will need to invest in your relationship to make it work".

Enjoyed the below:

The Beginning of Infinity - David Deutsch

Dear Friend, From My Life I Write To You in Your Life - Yiyun Li

Hillbilly Elegy - JD Vance

Inadequate Equilibria - Eliezer Yudkowsky

The Neapolitan Novels - Elena Ferrante

Mating In Captivity - Esther Perel

Our Mathematical Universe - Max Tegmark

Radical Candor - Kim Scott

Scale - Geoffrey West

The Seventh Day - Yu Hua

Somebody with a Little Hammer - Mary Gaitskill

Stubborn Attachments - Tyler Cowen (ebook)

What Do You Care What Other People Think? - Richard Feynman