I read it after seeing it recommended here on HN. It paid off :)

This book (Never Split the Difference) was also pretty helpful to me, but it's easy to forget to apply in scenarios.

Reading that book represented a step change in my productivity, because I learned to communicate in a way that better prioritized my tasks. I've read it three times now.

I think if you try to apply some of what is in the book, you may reconsider this idea of a divorce.

Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It - Chris Voss

Extreme Ownership by Willink and Babin has taught me about good leadership.

This book could be the most important investment you make.
By using the techniques introduced in the book, I was able to raise my contract rate from $35 to $60. It totally changed my life.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/26156469-never-split-the...

https://info.blackswanltd.com/never-split-the-difference

I enjoyed 4 Hour Work Week when I first read it. I am still trying to create a profitable side hustle.

I've read Getting to Yes, The Coaching Habit, and Never Split the Difference. They seemed to have decent information.

It's so immediately useful and practical, my entire team used it to collect massive amount of debts and enact other business changes. It was invaluable, and I make everyone I know read it.

Packed full of quality advice and techniques that you can use out of the box. The real-life stories he had from his FBI negotiating days make it an easy read.

Even if you just took away the points on mirroring and asking calibrated questions, you would be far ahead from where you are now.

https://www.amazon.com/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-De...

You might also be interested in looking into nonviolent communication.

Never Split The Difference by Chris Voss is also worth checking out.

You really don’t realize how much negotiating you do in day to day life. Its good to be comfortable with it.

Mythos by Stephen Fry - an irreverent take on Greek mythology which is fun and entertaining.

Take some of those negotiation tips and get the title change. I have had good success applying these in my role.

These were my faves:

“Wolf hall” by Hilary Mantell

“The Selfish Gene” by Richard Dawkins

“Never Split the difference” by Chris Voss

“How to talk so kids will listen” by Joanna Faber & Julie King

He goes through some very powerful negotiating techniques and strategies.

If you are short on time, try a summary like this. It will help you will be better equipped for your negotiation when the time comes.

https://youtu.be/QIRk382yJm4

Secondly, start looking for another job. Once you have an offer in hand that you'd be willing to accept, you'll be in a better place to negotiate a raise.

I don't know that one, but here are a couple of research-based negotiating books:

Getting to yes

The mind and heart of the negotiator.

They were required texts for my college class on Negotiating and Conflict Management. I was already good at certain kinds of negotiating, but it helped put a finer point on my abilities.

There’s a book “Never Split the Difference” by Chris Voss that will get you up to speed. His videos on YouTube are also potent.

Ideally, you want to avoid the “I brought this” style of language; what else is someone to do than think, “well I brought this, too!” It gets especially tense if the evidence is too damming, so the protection mechanisms kick over rather than the empathy and cooperation channels.

Good luck - you got this

Do you have any recommendations on resources/articles/books, either for "rank and file" trying to ensure their messages are framed well, or for consultants or others who find themselves in situations helping ideas to cut through the noise?

I'll share one that I've found incredibly helpful in the past: "Never Split The Difference" by Chris Voss https://www.amazon.com/dp/B014DUR7L2/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?...

Where you're right: yes, you need to foster the conversation. It's a skill that one develops with practice.

Where you're wrong: I negotiate for my consulting business and I can guarantee you that the companies don't have "the power." The power is held by whoever is better at negotiating. If you're good at negotiating, you will hold the power.

Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
(Fantastic Look into how we as humans work and how to deal with each other and ourselves)

Ready Player One by Ernest Cline
(Enjoyable and entertaining)

The Martian by Andy Weir
(The Audiobook of this was AMAZING! The book is still amazing especially for technical people)

The Hard thing about Hard things by Ben Horowitz
(I think it would be a great book for people who are already running companies.)

Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill
(It had some interesting parts. Wasn't a bad book, but also not crazy memorable)

Boundaries in Dating by Henry Cloud
(I found the advice for the christian dating relationship to be a honest eye opener. This book taught me a lot about myself.)

The Launch Pad by Randall Stross
(How I found Y Combinator and Hacker news. I really enjoy the startup community and love the fact that this introduced me to it)

The richest man in Babylon by George S Clason
(OMG EVERYONE SHOULD OWN THIS BOOK!!! It teaches you about handling money in one of the most entertaining ways I've ever read. It was crazy good and I reread it often.)

Creativity Inc by Ed Catmull

(Great read about the interesting problems solved and the fight for survival to one day bring about a worthy ideal)

Try Negotiating Your Salary by Jack Chapman.

Fakespot says that Fearless Salary Negotiation by Doody is loaded with fake amazon reviews, so I might give that one a miss.

And, read "Never Split the Difference" by Voss.

I read it after seeing it recommended here a few months ago.

Chris Voss (author of Never Split the Difference) recommends a similar strategy. He often says that having the mindset of genuine curiosity is a great hack for having emotional control during a negotiation and potentially getting into flow state.

Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss is the best book on negotiation I’ve ever read, and it’s also pretty entertaining. I negotiate a lot at work, and that book helped me quite a bit. The negotiation style he advocates, aside from being effective, is also very personable. Which is great if you don’t have the stomach for the (less effective) sleazy and aggressive styles.

I've read Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss [0] and found it interesting but I'm curious as to other reads folks might recommend.

0 - https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/26156469-never-split-the...

I am almost finished with Thinking Fast and Slow. I kinda wish I had read it years back given all the useful insights.

I just bought a copy of the 1961 version of Stranger in a Strange land.

I recommend a book on negotiation called "Never Split the Difference". It's written by a former FBI hostage negotiator, it's filled with interesting stories and good advice.

Some negotiation books seem like a "bag of tricks" which only work if the other person doesn't know the tricks, not this book, this book is filled with advice that would work even if both parties are using the negotiation techniques described in the book.

[1] https://www.amazon.com/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-De...

"The Sandman: Kindly Ones" and "The Sandman: Wake", masterpieces from the master writer Neil Gaimann.

Reading "Never Split the Difference" which is about the art of negotiation and has been an enlightening read as of now. It argues negotiation isn't rational but is an affective exercise and I couldn't agree more.

- Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind

- Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It

- Tools of Titans (was positively surprised by this one)

For developers I can highly recommend the Domain Driven Design books by Vaughn Vernon.

There's a section in there about being right that basically sums it up as "always be worried when someone says 'you're right' as can mean they just want you to stop talking".

You probably want it to be something along the lines of "that's right" since it implies they also think that's the right outcome regardless of whether it's your or their idea.

https://www.amazon.com/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-De...

I'd say we live in an age of overinformation. There are books that give you an edge, like Never Split the Difference, and then everyone reads it, and then everyone reads the summary of it, then everyone criticizes the summary (which the original book itself has addressed), then everyone reads the criticism and concludes that the book is bad.

You can ask people what a startup is, or what a MVP is, or TDD, and I assure you most would not have the original definitions or purposes from the books. A lot of people think TDD is 100% test coverage or that a startup is a business, but these are all wrong by definition.

Just start with the ones in the article and Amazon/Kindle will get good at recommending books.

Here's some books recently read on my Kindle:

  - No Rules Rules
  - Never Split The Difference
  - The Manager's Path
  - The Almanack of Naval Ravikant
  - Ultralearning
  - The Hard Thing About Hard Things
  - What You Do is Who You Are
  - User Story Mapping
  - Inspired
  - The Lean Product Playbook
  - Competing Against Luck
  - Domain Driven Design
  - Patterns of Enterprise Application Architecture
  - Data-Driven Marketing
  - Designing Data-Intensive Applications
  - Monetizing Innovation
  - Super Thinking
  - The Great Mental Models
  - Nonviolent Communication
  - High Growth Handbook
  - Powerful
  - Trillion Dollar Coach

It turns out even hardened criminals want to be heard/understood, and by using (author calls) "tactical empathy", you can start your negotiation off on the right footing.

Extreme Ownership - I also really enjoyed this book. I listened to the audio and it was read by the authors. Both Navy Seals, the stories they used about their time in war was very eye opening. The concepts are all about leadership, and if you a manager or part of a team, you will get some benefit.

Getting Things Done - 2001 edition, very practical approach to organizing everything on your plate. I will probably re-read this again.

Learning How to Learn: How to Succeed in School Without Spending All Your Time Studying; A Guide for Kids and Teens - a great book that has great tips on learning for kids and adults.

A Philosophy of Software Design - still reading it, I really am enjoying it so far. I like the big picture approach it takes to discussing software design and complexity.

Mindset - I just started this book. So far it is just explaining the general concept in different ways. I am hoping the latter part will get into some practical tips and methods.

Never Split the Difference - some very practical negotiation strategies.

Mini Habits by Stephen Guise - short book but awesome method. I am still doing the one pushup habit since last March.

How to Shoot Video That Doesn't Suck by Steve Stockman - I wanted to improve my video production for my programming course for kids. I am still learning but this book has been a huge help.

The Pyramid Principle: Logic in Writing and Thinking by Barbara Minto - huge help with improving my written communication at my job.

The Coaching Habit by Michael Stanier - short book but huge help when your transitioning to managing people.

Made to Stick by Dan Heath - was a huge help in planning how I would teach elementary students last month about programming.

The 80/20 Principle by Richard Koch - aside from application of Pareto principle, I took away the idea that books provide the best bang for your buck for knowledge density.

The 4 Hour Work Week - great inspiration to start your own thing.

The $100 Startup - like the 4HWW but with more details.

It reminded me of a book called "Never Split the Difference" by Chris Voss where he talks about his approach to negotiating hostage releases. The basic strategy is instead of saying "no" to the price, say some version of "How am I supposed to do that?" which communicates a willingness to negotiate but an inability to accept the price. The side effect is that it builds empathy as it sounds like you'd accept the price if there was any possible way of doing so.

The final move is to throw out a precise, random low ball offer like "$5,470" where it sounds like you've scrounged up all the money you can. The idea is that with kidnappers, time is money. If after a few days or weeks they don't get paid, the low ball offer sounds like better than nothing.

In some negotiations, he kept talking to them for months elegantly saying these empathetic "no" statements until they actually gave up and stopped guarding the captive.

It's a fascinating read that goes into other forms of negotiation too like salary discussions.

* Why We Sleep: The New Science of Sleep and Dreams by Matthew Walker (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/34466963-why-we-sleep)

* Longitude: The True Story of a Lone Genius Who Solved the Greatest Scientific Problem of His Time by Dava Sobel (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4806.Longitude)

* Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It by Chris Voss (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/26156469-never-split-the...)

* Evicted: Poverty and Profit in the American City by Matthew Desmond (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25852784-evicted)

* Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/11084145-steve-jobs)

PSA: if you use an e-reader or like audiobooks, check out Libby: https://meet.libbyapp.com/

I'm not affiliated with them. Nice app for borrowing ebooks and audiobooks from your local library.

Brain Rules for Baby: How to Raise a Smart and Happy Child from Zero to Five - if you're thinking of having children or have young children already. This book gives some good insight on possible, data-driven ways to raise a happy and smart kid. I currently have a newborn and have altered some ways I behave around her. It also helps to think about how you were raised, and if that impacted the way you are.

The Mind Illuminated: A Complete Meditation Guide Integrating Buddhist Wisdom and Brain Science for Greater Mindfulness - if you're into meditation, I think this is the book to get. I started out with Headspace and this book takes it to the next level.

How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big: Kind of the Story of My Life - This was an entertaining book on how Scott Adams failed and succeeded. He gives some practical tips on what he did to get to where he is. Of course, there is survivorship bias, but I found some of it helpful.

The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism - People aren't born Charismatic. You can practice it.

Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It - A book about negotiation. I used to hate negotiating. Heck I still do. While I might not use the exact tactics outlined in the book, it helped me realize that I should try to negotiate more. And it might have helped me to get good deals or better salary just by asking.

I have done thousands of negotiations (for vastly different things) and have been paid to do so. [1] I have never read a single book on negotiations. I can always tell when someone else has. (Read that again). [2] I could most likely write a book myself on negotiations and my experiences. The problem is it's a seat of the pants thing. It's nearly impossible to be able to say what to do unless you are in the exact situation and reading all the signals. Also it's creative at it's core so if you are a narrow type thinker you are most likely not going to be good at it no matter what (very generally). And of course what you are negotiating for and in particular who you are dealing with and their motivations are super important to the process. That said I am sure a book can help with an adversary that is not particular difficult and of course better than nothing. But like with most other things it is in no way even close to a substitute for actual experience over time and the right base attributes personally. Some people just aren't perceptive enough of others emotions and reactions to be good at it. No way around it. Also their own emotions and the ability to control them.

[1] The largest fee I made (recently) was close to $200k and I've been paid as little as $500 (or have done it for free in some cases).

[2] Because their delivery and actions appear canned and predictably fit another pattern that I have seen in the exact same way over time.

The Running Man -Richard Bachman (A Stephen King pen name)

Never Split The Difference -Chris Voss

"The Godfather" is a classic that features my 2nd favorite evil genius Don Corleone (Hannibal Lecter being the 1st). Great character development and a fine tale to boot.

"The Running Man" isn't Kings best, but there's something about it, well that book and "The Long Walk"--also by Bachman, that makes it an entertaining read.

"Never Split the Difference" is the best negotiating book I've ever read and, I have negotiated deals for a living at various times in my career.

He posits that bad deals come from people being strict about artificial deadlines... and it's better to have no deal than a rushed deal. Try it next time someone tells you there's a hard deadline... just tell them you'll deliver when it's done.

Humor: Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson. I've recommended this to many friends who needed a good laugh. I don't remember another book that made me laugh so hard that I dropped the book.

Non-fiction: this one's a tough one because many good books are mentioned already, but two that I really enjoyed and have recommended in the last year are: Boyd by Robert Coram and How the Other Half Banks by Mehrsa Baradaran. Boyd tells the story about a brilliant but petulant air force pilot who rewrote the guidelines of US military aviation. How the Other Half Banks is an eye opening account of how broken our banking system is and the history of how we got to where we are.

Business: again, a lot of good books are mentioned already, but two I've enjoyed are Smarter Faster Better by Charles Duhigg and Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss. Both are fascinating books that'll leave you thinking about how to improve your own game.

--Edit--

Bonus: When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi is a tremendous piece. It's a short read but a must read!

In terms of framing, instead of saying you're in S. Asia and $30/hr is a big deal, you could figure out a rough $ value of your work to the company. In this case it's clearly more than $30, but is it $100 or $300 or $500? Having that clarity in your mind and articulating it to potential clients is going to be super helpful in the future, and change how you see yourself and sell yourself to clients.

Finally, you may want to invest in building your negotiating experience. I would start with the Appendix: Negotiating one sheet and ideally read and practice what's mentioned in Never Split the Difference: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08W57YLHR/.

Good luck!

Voss rejects the confrontational, haggling style of communication that often distinguishes the police in movies and instead teaches how to achieve a joint problem solving mentality with your counterpart.

The book is full of practical advice but also explains how the author refined his technique throughout his career, which grounds the advice in reality as opposed to many self-help books that dispense advice in a Deus ex machina sort of way.

I really enjoyed the book and recommend reading it at least twice in short order to interpret the stories from the author's career in light of the methods described in the book.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/26156469-never-split-the...

Or maybe the more open ended question is better?

I do like Never Split the Difference, great book. The most common complaint against it is that the author is a bit arrogant, but having read a couple other negotiation books first, I found the author's approach more fair and "real" than the bag-of-manipulative-tricks I found in the other books.

Also, since it's the CTO your talking to, try to establish an (for lack of a better term) "tech people versus the rest of the world" mentality, then he will be more likely to side with you. As we've all seen, people side with their own perceived group. I don't mean this to be as aggressive as it sounds, just try to use the natural camaraderie between tech workers.

- The Secrets of Consulting: A Guide to Giving and Getting Advice Successfully

- An Introduction to General Systems Thinking

- Becoming a Technical Leader: An Organic Problem-Solving Approach

- Are your lights on?

based on his references I went back to Virginia Satir, her Books are kinda hard to order:

- The new Peoplemaking

- The Satir Model: Family Therapy and Beyond

- Your Many Faces.

And as always once a year:

- Thinking in Systems: A Primer - Donella H. Meadows

Just writting this list makes me realize that this was a kinda classic year for me. Still read a lot of coding books i.e.: about JS, CloujourScript but nothing stood out.

- Understanding ECMAScript6: The Definitive Guide for JavaScript Developers - Nicholas C. Zakas

was good. Some points I did not know and a good read.

- Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It - Chris Voss

was great as it gave me new insights how to structure my speech and thoughts behind it.

But well, my favorite book this year was and is mine

- "Understanding SEO - A Systematic Approach to Search Engine Optimization" - Franz Enzenhofer

Taking what i learned from Weinberg and Meadows (with some E. Bono) and apply it to the system that is search(-behaviour and the marketplace Google). https://www.fullstackoptimization.com/b/understanding-seo

I've managed to employ many of the techniques in my day to day as a PM with success, but his discussions on salary negotiation resonated with me. I'm sure you can find some notes on the book to derive 50% of the value, but the author's stories and explanations drove it home for me.

In his words, he could never split the difference in a hostage negotiation. When you enter the process understanding this, you do things differently.

- How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
- Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It by Christopher Voss

Both have an important role in your connections with other people but its useful if you learn to separate them.

I’d add to presentation skills: negotiation skills. I’ll recommend Chris Voss’ book “Never Split the Difference” as I have been to all my relatives this Christmas.

Why we sleep - changed my perception of sleep. I used to sleep the least I could get away with. Not anymore, I stand corrected by science.

Never Split The Difference - Chris Voss

This book has made a much greater negotiator both professionally and personally.

“Would it be ridiculous if” and
“How am I supposed to do that?” Have saved me 100s of thousands of dollars!! The only negative point is that the negotiation style does not work on my wife ever since she read the book.

If you do a really good job at handling the communication separation the business relationship is stronger after and each side better understands one another’s needs and motivations. My foot in mouth moment ended up turning into a larger business arrangement because the CEO turned it into a positive experience.

While not a universally perfect negotiating book, I’ve found “Never Split the Difference” to be an interesting tome on making the best of adversarial business situations.

The Business Book: Big Ideas Simply Explained
(gave me insight on what it takes to keep grinding, and knowing the potential in any idea)

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change
(a classic, every CEO or high performer i know and met practice this)

Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It
(Gave me the technique to understand what I have to know on the other side, to come out making a win-win situation)

Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition
(Allowed me to understand the other side before talking)

The Art of Communicating
(Great good for networking, which opened alot of doors for me getting new clients and making friends)

7L: The Seven Levels of Communication: Go From Relationships to Referrals
(Made me understand the importance of certain communication levels to use on certain situation to get better results.)

Overall this is only a few, but really it helped me, meet the people that knew more then me to become what i am now. Knowing that i have a circle that will give me guidance is worth more then gold.

Yes, it can be exhausting if you do this in every interaction. But I've been picking 1 interaction per day and implementing those techniques to significant success.

[edit] Relevant article from the author's site: http://blog.blackswanltd.com/the-edge/the-key-to-disarming-t...

Chris was an FBI hostage negotiator. His book takes you through some of his hostage negotiations and demonstrates his techniques.

As a software developer, I "negotiate" all day long from code reviews to getting a promotion. His advice has helped more times than I can count.

I don't think this is true. In theory, you may be able to find all the information contained in the books, but it's drowning in garbage. The benefit of books is that the information has been distilled for you. Good books distill information better than bad books.

> One issue for me is that books are a very big time investment. I read very slowly and I don't remember everything I read either.

I hardly read books any more, though I do enjoy a day of reading in the sun when it's warm. I listen to audiobooks while I'm traveling, working out, or doing housework.

> I have thousands of non-fiction (mostly self-improvement) books in my reading list on GoodReads, but almost never bother to read any.

Different folks will tell you different things, but for me, the following self-help content covered most of what I've read to date:

* Any Alan Watts lecture series - I listened to "Out of your mind" (listen to the whole thing)
* The Book of Joy (Dalai Lama and Desmond TuTu)
* Never split the Difference (Chris Voss)
* The hard thing about hard things (Ben Horowitz)

And then read (or listen to) whatever strikes your fancy.

The concentrated focus of books makes them stick better, in my opinion, than blog posts, online commentary, etc.

Am I wrong? Now that I know how it 'works' I can pick out Ackerman bargaining tactics from a mile away so it's basically a moving target. I feel truly great negotiating tactics are an artform. To succeed you need creativity and flair that can't be duplicated mechanically.

fwiw, two books helped me massively in this area:

1. The Field Guide to Human Error. This book I read on a whim just because I thought it would be useful for software development. The first few chapter's ended up being kind of life altering. It felt like along personal attack on my character. In short, it was about perspectives we take when dealing with other people, and how viewing from our vantage point is not only frequently wrong, but it's lazy.

Even with things like CR comments. I now ask myself "_why_ do they think that's the right approach?"

2. Never Split the Difference. While it's about negotiations, it deals a lot with how humans think, and despite what we tell ourselves or want to believe about we being rational creatures, emotion dominates almost all interactions. It gives all kinds of useful advice for framing conversations and using language which avoids being confrontational or accusatory.

This was another huge one for me, as it shifted just about all of my conversations from starting with "you're dumb and here's why" to "let's make sure we agree on what the problem is" and then making finding the solution a collaborative effort, rather than a top down directive.

What? I read the book "Never Split the Difference" written by a former FBI hostage negotiator, and it had stories of him helping with some kidnapping cases and offering a ransom. If I remember correctly his goal was not to avoid paying a ransom, but to make it as small as possible.

Good book by the way.

protip: skip the first self-promotional chapter, I was so put off by its poor taste that it made me delay reading the book by a few months. The rest is great though!

As others have mentioned, startup school[1] is also a goldmine. In my opinion it's less thorough on fundamentals and more focused on key lessons and understandings that only come with handling a successful startup. Many authors cover the same topics but the startup school presenters are actually authoritative on them, kudos!

The lean startup[2] is also a must, offering solid advice on how not to waste time, which equals runway, as a founder.

Another good one is Never Split the Difference[3], which teaches you a few tricks to fend for yourself while raising money in the world of VCs which, may I remind you, negotiate for a living.

0: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/9512985-the-personal-mba
1: https://www.startupschool.org/
2: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/10127019-the-lean-startu...
3: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/26156469-never-split-the...

Some psychological books teach a person to play psychological games, and if both parties have read the book, they both just play games and no communication actually happens. Not so with "Never Split the Difference", the book teaches that simply listening is one of the most effective yet difficult things you can do to get what you want.

Um, seriously, all effective communication techniques are based on basically the same principles; there's a book by a former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss (Never Split the Difference) where he describes hostage negotiations with terrorists, and it all works in the workplace too. These two are significantly better than How to Win Friends and Influence Friends, which is mostly about sales rather than negotiations.

- Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman

- A Briefer History of Time by Stephen Hawking

- The Lean Startup by Eric Ries

- Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson

- The Industries of the Future by Alec Ross

- Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss

- Start with No by Jim Camp

- How Google Works by Eric Schmidt and Jonathan Rosenberg

- The Everything Store by Brad Stone

- The Inevitable by Kevin Kelly

Fascinating. That analysis sounds very much like the assessment of hostage-taker motivations that FBI hostage negotiators have built their more modern negotiation techniques around (see for example the book “Never Split the Difference”). Riffing on that thought, it feels like Trump’s verbal handling of them aligns much more closely with the FBI negotiators’ recommended techniques than Hilary’s verbal handling of them (hers is a better fit to the FBI’s older more intellectually focused less emotionally focused strategy that was abandoned in the wake of the Waco disaster).

I recently read the book "Never Split the Difference" by Chris Voss[1], a book on negotiation by a former FBI hostage negotiator. It actually covered this, how the stereotypical sales tactics are actually pretty bad and he covers approaches that work much better. I highly recommend the book (or to watch some of his youtube videos).

[1] https://www.amazon.com/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-De... and his Youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/NegotiationCEO

Anyway, he says you can look at most situations as a negotiation. Once you fully understand the needs of your counterpart, you can assess your ability to meet those needs, or work with them (using "tactical empathy" and other strategies) so that both parties understand what the realistic outcomes are. Once both parties truly understand what the other is ultimately capable of providing, they will see no use in demanding more than that.

Isn't that what negotiation is about, when dealing with someone who won't effectively communicate their thoughts? Speculating the wants/needs of that person and addressing them directly? This isn't something I'm making up, I've just read it in "Never Split the Difference". The book was written to address situations just like OPs.

The example sentence structure was meant to be paraphrased. I was hoping for critique on the subject matter not the grammar. I feel uncomfortable turning OP's anecdote into a hypothetical anyway so I'll back off.

Sales comes down to building desire, different people can desire the same product for different reasons. Understand this fact and you will be head and shoulders above 80% of all Entrepreneurs.

Negotiating come down to two things, the first one is Sales related: you do NOT negotiate with someone who does NOT desire what you have. The second is being willing to walk away. Loathe or Love--Trump he owns this. If you are not willing to walk even when it hurts--you are Not negotiating you are capitulating.

Zig Ziglar explains sales well. And "Never Split The Difference" by Voss is the best negotiating book I've ever read, and not to brag; but my name is on plaques in more than one company as the Top Performer where they hold sales meetings. Side note; Voss does advocate for splitting the difference--at times. And so do I, because it is one tool of many that works.

- Bargaining For Advantage (https://www.amazon.com/Bargaining-Advantage-Negotiation-Stra...)

- Negotiation Genius (https://www.amazon.com/Negotiation-Genius-Obstacles-Brillian...)

- Getting To Yes (https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Yes-Negotiating-Agreement-Wit...)

- The Coursera course from the University of Michigan (and not the Yale one).

- Getting Past No (https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Negotiating-Difficult-Si...)

- Difficult Conversations/Crucial Conversations/Nonviolent Communications

The last bullet (arguably the last two bullets) are about conversation skills, but that is an essential part of negotiations.

I won't claim to be good at this stuff. It takes a lot of effort and practice to change habits you've formed your whole life. But still, I've improved somewhat. What I do think I've become much better at is identifying why someone's efforts succeeded (or in this case, failed).

I would also recommend Influence by Cialdini. It is not a negotiation book at all, but will make much of the material in those books more meaningful if you've read this book.

Books/courses I discourage:

- Never Split The Difference

- The Lynda course (there may be more than one now, but the one I took years ago was bad).

1. Always stay polite. Getting emotional works against you in most cases.

2. Don't give ultimatums. Saying "I want this and this" is fine - don't add "or else...".

3. In your current situation, you have lost some negotiating leverage (your previous salary, your experience) but it's not unsalvageable. Simply bring them up and counter them yourself:

* Your previous salary is not relevant - only what you want to accept now. HR has a desire to lowball you so you should counter with a higher-than-market request.

* Your experience is not an issue. If they want you for the job then you are qualified for the salary that job entails.

4. Use the fact that you are _already_ giving them something by accepting an offer one level below! Make this a big deal and ask for compensation for doing a higher level job.

5. Pick a price that is 10% above market value and have a list of reasons you want it (new house, car, ...). Do not be afraid to stick to your ask. After all, they need you to do the job just as much as you need their job.

6. When picking a number do not pick a round number (numbers like 30% sound like you have not given it much thought. Numbers like 101,300/- sound like you have figured out your finances and have a good reason for your ask).

7. Be patient and remember you both want something out of this.

Good luck!

Edit: The Lightning Guide to Software Resumes has a short section on negotiating that is a good summary. A better book is "Never split the difference" by Chris Voss which is, I think, the best book on the subject.

I'd recommend the book Never Split the Difference which was written by a former hostage negotiator. From what I learned from that book, anchoring his emotions and asking How questions might have helped you. Why questions are accusatory and put people on the defensive, often leading to escalation.

This is a "normal" thing, there was a HN article about it some weeks back: often if someone has their mind made up about something, often no amount of facts, figures, logic and proof will change their minds. They may even see these things as personal attacks. Facts are, sadly, not an effective way to convince people.

I'm currently reading the book "Never split the difference" by Chris Voss, a book on negotiation by a former FBI hostage negotiator. In it, he talks at length about why traditional negotiation techniques don't work: they assume that both sides are rational and can be persuaded through facts and value propositions. People aren't rational, they're emotional and to get through to someone, you need to get through to their emotional mind. The book then talks about different techniques he's used to do this, but the fundamental foundation seems to be to listen to what the other person is saying -- really, really listen -- and put yourself into their emotional shoes so you can understand not just what emotion they're feeling, but also why. He then uses rather simple techniques: he verbalises the emotions he thinks their feeling and the reasons. This forces the other person to acknowledge them (or correct him if he got it wrong), which has a calming effect, provides you with more information to work with and often makes the person realise if they're being unreasonable. That's only one technique used, of course, but you can see how he's not trying to engage their logical factual minds, but rather find a way to put out the emotional fires going on in the persons mind.

I think these same principles apply when trying to convince someone of anything. If they have an emotional stake in the debate, then facts and logic aren't going to cut it, but talking to their emotions hostage-negotiator-style just might.

Maxims - Epictetus

The road to serfdom - Friedrich Hayek

De officiis - Cicero

De divinatione - Cicero

Lives of eminent philosophers - Diogenes Laertius

Confessions - Al ghazali

Illiad - Homer

Odyssey - Homer

Influence - Robert Cialdini

Guns, Germs and steel - Jared Diamond

Poor Charlie's Almanack - Charlie Munger - 2nd reading

Andrew Carnegie's Biography - Joseph Frazier

Fooled by Randomness - Nassim Taleb - 2nd reading

Bed of Procrustes - Nassim Taleb

Never Split the Difference - Christopher Voss

The intelligent investor - Benjamin Graham

Autobiography - Benjamin Franklin

I always remember this quote:

"In my whole life, I have known no wise people who didn't read all the time -- none, zero." Charlie Munger

http://www.audible.com/pd/Business/Never-Split-the-Differenc...

As someone who never wanted to read negotiation books because I was worried I would try to "win" all the time, I can't tell you how much this book changed my way of thinking. It's affected how I deal with my kids, how I seek resolution in confrontations, and how I listen to people in general.

For anyone with empathy as a strong facet of your personality, I highly recommend reading this book. It's also a fun read, with each chapter's lesson following the events of a hostage negotiation that the author took part in as his role at the FBI.

Lots of self-help and pop-business books do this and above other factors like all the padding (so very much of it), it's ruined the genre for me. Hate that crap. Makes me think their advice is bullshit.

I made it a ways into Never Split the Difference and got a little useful material out of it, but bounced off when I reached a can't-possibly-be-real story about the author buying a car and getting a great price by (he claims) just repeatedly asking "how can I do that?" (or similar) when presented with a price above what he'd offered. Give me a break. "Well, you're in luck, our rates on 5-year loans are great right now, let me introduce you to our finance guy", the salesman, implausibly, never says, instead just acting confused and stupid the whole time and eventually giving in. Dafuq? Either the author actually got had and didn't realize it, or that story was at best a half-truth.

I'd recommend just reading a ton of books. There's a formula to sales that is well documented, you just have to adapt the pieces that work with your personality. The ones I'd recommend reading are:

* SPIN Selling

* Never Split the Difference

* Getting to Yes

* To Sell is Human

* Read any free information online about SPIN/NEAT/Sandler

I read all of those cover-to-cover right before I started my consulting business and it made a marked impact on my ability to sell. Like anything, it's a combination of study and practice. Read a book, figure out the nuggets that are important, then practice those tactics. Learn, rinse, repeat.

* Never Split the Difference. Don't even think about it - read it. The book is a life coaching chapter that everyone should learn.

* The Seventh Sense: Power, Fortune, and Survival in the Age of Networks. Everything is a network. From wars, to economy, to minorities, to terrorism. Understanding what truly lies behind the concept of "network" is just as well one of those life coaching chapters everyone should learn.

The problem is negotiation requires care and a lot of work. It's hard. And in public forums others will probably mess up your progress.

My best guess in a public forum would be to play the "good cop" and quote and defend the person I wanted to persuade. And while looking like I'm defending them, and being their friend, I would put forth an idea that is more moderate and thus move them towards being persuaded. This would be hard to do in the chaos of an online forum like HN or Reddit though.

The problem is negotiation requires care and a lot of work. It's hard. And in public forums others will probably mess up your progress.

My best guess in a public forum would be to play the "good cop" and quote and defend the person I wanted to persuade. And while looking like I'm defending them, and being their friend, I would put forth an idea that is more moderate and thus move them towards being persuaded. This would be hard to do in the chaos of an online forum like HN or Reddit though.

People who haven't read laterally in it tend to only have one or two tools that have worked for them up to their level. Haggling, bargaining, and auction models aren't really negotiation. Reality is, it's the process of price discovery, often with people who are looking for rules they can break and points of leverage.

How do we go from here? Your job as a negotiator is to get them get them off their "fight mode" through the use of time, dialogue, and empathy.

By saying "I wont negotiate" you're building a gloom vision that there is no future. If the threat is real, you're out of time and out of luck. As Voss says, "She's dead"*

Further readings:

Stalling for Time: My Life as an FBI Hostage Negotiator ( by Gary Noesner)

Never Split the Difference (Chris Voss)

Ego, Authority, Failure (Derek Gaunt)

Movie: A Hijacking (IMDB)

* "60 seconds or she dies" challenge on Youtube (Chris Voss).

The author would advise you to ask a negative question in your email such as "have you given up on this project?" People don't like to say no and it often motivates a reply.

https://blog.blackswanltd.com/the-edge/3-ways-to-make-no-wor...

But for god sakes, don't employ these techniques yourself.

Allow me to be all internet-meta-psychologist. You are having difficulties with this because you are not ready to gamble your current position, as you do not have another offer lined up. You like the positive outcome of the gamble (a raise) but cannot stand the negative (loss of job).

You should only bluff if you are ready to be called on it.

I would concur with a lot of other advice here and perhaps add a little from the book "Never split the difference".

I would probably start as others said with explaining how much you like being there and enjoy your work. But with the market is and what other people in your position gets paid either there or other places you are having a hard time not looking at other career opportunities. So you would really appreciate your managers input on how he could help you stay in your current position and not be forced to look for other opportunities.

  - Bad Blood: Secrets and Lies in a Silicon by Valley John Carreyrou
  - Why We Sleep: Unlocking the Power of Sleep by Matthew Walker
  - The Magicians by Lev Grossman
  - Shoe Dog: A Memoir by the Creator of NIKE by Phil Knight
  - How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan
  - Factfulness: Ten Reasons We’re Wrong About the World by Hans Rosling
  - Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
  - Deep Work by Cal Newport
  - Homo Deus: A Brief History of Tomorrow by Yuval Noah Harari
  - The Phoenix Project by D.M. Cain
  - 21 Lessons for the 21st Century by Yuval Noah Harari
  - Thinking in Systems: A Primer by Tia T. Farmer
  - Leonardo da Vinci by Walter Isaacson
  - Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss
  - Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink
  - Linear Algebra by Jim Hefferon
  - 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos by Jordan B. Peterson
  - Prisoners of Geography by Tim Marshall
  - Skin in the Game by Nassim Nicholas Taleb
  - Atomic Habits by James Clear

Absolutely.

Part of my impulse to speak up IRL comes from the example of the activism to tackle HIV/AIDS. Literally, silence meant death. That left a huge imprint on me.

There a few times in my life when I didn't speak up, didn't act. And it fills me with shame.

Examples (of failure) help:

At a music festival. Mid '90s. Two white guys were harassing two black couples. I thought one of the white guys was going to get physical. I was so flabbergasted. I had no idea what to do. I was also in no physical condition to get into or break up a fight.

I saw a young parent assault her kids. Like punches, not spanking, Kids had signature abuse victims response. I should have called the cops.

Young gay couple were being harassed in a movie theater. I didn't act.

Old white dude at a public townhall talking about "those people" and advocating Jim Crow laws (in Washington State! in the early 2000s!).

> Our instincts are built of some assumptions that no longer work on internet. One possible approach is to learn new skills.

Absolutely.

My IRL impulses are sabotage online. I've been on social media since the late 80s. (BBSs, CompuServe, BIX.) Trolling and smack talk have always been part of the medium. It was fun. But now it isn't. It just keeps getting worse.

Next book on my reading list is Adam Grant's Think Again. Some of the recent book promotion interviews (eg Vox Pivot) have been great.

Chris Voss' Never Split the Difference, how to use "radical empathy" in tough situations, is really really good. I'm now looking for workbooks, training, or something. Like role playing exercises to practice.

Recommendations please.

[0] https://blog.blackswanltd.com/the-edge/the-1-tactic-for-nego...

[1] https://info.blackswanltd.com/never-split-the-difference

Never Split the Difference, its about how to negotiate in life

The Pyramid Principle for learning how to structure your ideas and write logically.

Getting Things Done, the 2001 version on how to apply a simple workflow to managing all the tasks you have both personal and professional.

* Born a Crime by Noah Trevor

* Half of a Yellow Sun by Adichie, Chimamanda Ngozi

* Secondhand Time: The Last of the Soviets by Alexievich, Svetlana

* Ex-Formation by Hara, Kenya (best book I read this year)

* A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bryson, Bill

* Algorithms to Live By: The Computer Science of Human
Decisions by Brian Christian (applying algorithm theory to daily life)

* Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It by Voss Chris (meh)

* Sprint: How to Solve Big Problems and Test New Ideas in Just Five Days by Knapp Jake (meh)

* All the Light We Cannot See by Doerr Anthony (loved it)

* The Remains of the Day by Ishiguro Kazuo (loved it)

Technical: Blockchain programming (mostly on Ethereum). I believe Ethereum is the future. Programmable money. How cool is that?

However if you think blockchain is fad, you could replace it with cybersecurity.

Business: Corporate finance (stocks, bonds, future contracts, options, etc). This is related with blockchain because I believe a lot of financial applications will move to blockchain platform.

However if you think blockchain is fad, corporate finance itself is a useful skill for investment and analyzing company's finance. Just now, I learned that you could make two bonds with different risks and yields into one security which you can divide into senior tranches and junior tranches. It's very interesting.

Social: Negotiation. I am reading Chris Voss' book (Never Split The Difference). He has a class in MasterClass as well. Coursera has a couple of negotiation courses. In the past, I received the shorter end of the stick because I'm not good at negotiation. So I'll try to change that.

Happy acquiring skills!

EDIT: I think the contextual question that arises from that book is: How does the idea of "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" play out in multi-sided negotiations with such high stakes?

I would recommend the following books:

Never Split the Difference - we are always negotiating, I use things from this book on a daily basis.

One Minute Manager - if you managing people this is a much simpler method. It is like the Kent Beck TDD of management rules in its simplicity.

How to Win Friends and Influence People - classic, but very useful in soft skills.

> Even if they never buy from you, if they recommend you to a peer, they've given you a patina of credibility that no online marketing effort can match.

Marketers have this rule of thumb that you need between 3-7 touchpoints before your target becomes a customer. So, after one interaction with someone at a seminar, you are about 1/5 the way towards making the sale.

Don't lose heart - marketing and sales is as much, if not more, about the grind as it is about the product itself.

Don't organize events.

Also, there's a difference between listening for features which can usually be asked as "What" questions and questions which are designed to get your counterpart to solve your problem for you. I'd recommend a book called "Never Split the Difference" on how to ask questions to make the other person work for you without them even realizing it. It's by an ex-FBI hostage negotiator. His insights were used to save lives and personally, I found the book useful.